Julie de Azevedo Hanks, PhD, LCSW

What is the most important lesson you’ve learned about love?

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This is why marriage can be so complicated. Getting married can be a really exciting time! It’s a journey that you and your partner are about to embark on together. If you ask anyone who’s been married for a while, they’ll probably tell you it’s a journey full of ups and downs. But why is that? Are all marriages supposed to be so difficult? Is there a reason the divorce rate is as high as it is? Doesn’t matter if you’re newlyweds or have been married for years, here’s the low down on why marriage can be so tough.

#Married #Complications #MarriageTips

Music:
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Summary:
We wanna preface this video by saying that marriage certainly isn’t for everyone. But if you do decide to take a walk down the aisle, don’t expect marriage to be all honeymoon feelings and roses, it takes real work.

But why? If staying together is so hard, then why do we do it in the first place? Well, for love. Plus some people just flat out want to get married. Some folks believe it’s the next logical step in their relationship, and sometimes there’s other factors like faith for example. Whatever the reason a common bit of advice given is that each day is a choice. A choice to stay in the relationship, or a choice to walk away.

When you think about it, it kind of makes sense. Life can be really messy, so why wouldn’t your relationships be? Sharing your living space and frankly everything else takes compromise. Not to mention we never really stop evolving as people, so things are bound to change throughout the years. Big life decisions can be difficult and put stress on a marriage, especially once you involve children. Plus all the unexpected external stressors that you’re going to be faced with.

A big topic that surfaces often when talking about the longevity of marriage is the “midlife crisis”. VERY WELL MIND explains that a midlife crisis is thought to be a time when someone is struggling with their own mortality. One common symptom of this is when someone wants to ditch some of their bigger responsibilities and focus their lives around fun. Like buying a sports car, or possibility neglecting your family duties. As you’ve probably guessed things like a midlife crisis can put a strain on anyone’s relationship. TIME MAGAZINE said that in light of all the negative, unexpected hiccups life can toss your way savoring the good things, and really focusing on the positives can put things into perspective. That being said, you want to make sure your relationship still contains mutual respect, compromise and love for one another, you don’t want to keep yourself in a toxic relationship. Although sometimes, a rough patch can be fixed by a simple attitude adjustment, or practicing gratitude.

So besides outside variables and stress that can infect a relationship or marriage, what else can people do to make sure their marriage stays healthy and strong? DR. HARRIET LERNER says that marriage requires motivation to keep it running smoothly. She has a few ingredients needed to ensure your marriage really works.

Both parties have to want to make the marriage a good one. It takes two to tango, so to speak. You can’t have any kind of successful relationship if it’s only one sided.
Being able to recognize your own behaviour and negative emotions is a big part of the puzzle and only one half of the solution. Once you can identify what’s bothering you, or how you’ve been behaving in a negative way, you must be capable of taking the necessary steps to change that thing or feeling instead of allowing it to continue and bring you pain.
Embracing change. Life is full of change, including personal change. Sometimes you just have to go with the flow.
Being open to working on the things that bring you joy in life and in your marriage.

Most things in life that take hard work, are worth working for and that includes a happy marriage. Taking care of your own needs while communicating with your partner on what they need will only lead to creating good habits together. Speaking of self fulfilment…that’s another side of the marriage coin that causes many to re-evaluate their decision.

DR STEVEN MINTZ states that in some cases tension and compromise becomes too much to handle and people want to focus on their own happiness and life goals. They no longer want to put someone else’s needs before their own. When you’ve been married for a long time it can be hard to maintain a sense of individuality in your relationship or when you embark on parenthood.

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