Dana M. Fillmore, PsyD
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The “Save My Marriage” System. Dr. Dana Fillmore shares the first step couples need to take to save their marriage, Hope. Dr. Dana’s proven system is a great alternative to traditional marriage counseling. You can save your marriage. Start today!
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Howcast
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Hi, I’m Faye de Muyshondt with social sklz, here to chat with you about the top tips for dinner conversation. Before you head out for dinner, make sure that you have in mind a few things to talk about. You might want to scan the news before you head out to a dinner party.
This way, you are on top of what’s happening in the world today. And that’s going to give you a few things to talk about over dinner. Also, think about a few things that you are up to personally. People want to know about you, they don’t just want to know about news and the weather, they want to know about you. So what are three things that you have going on right now, that you can talk about. Whether it be school, whether it be a personal relationship, whether it be a hobby that you’re involved with. Have some information to share on you and your personal life. Also, before you go to dinner, before you meet up with people, if these are people that you know, jog your memory and think about questions you can ask them that pertain to their lives specifically.
And in a dinner setting, when you’re meeting people saying is that you’re going to want to steer away from our politics, are religion are taboo subjects that are sticky for anyone. As you’re conversing during the meal, make sure that you’re going the extra mile to share information too. There’s nothing worse than sitting next to someone, who offers up one word responses to your questions. And I always say, during dinner conversations keep it positive, keep it light, keep it fun, even if you have difficult things to share. Make sure that you go back to the positive too. Those are just a few tips for dinner conversations.
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Hi. I’m Faye de Muyshondt here with you today from Social Skills to teach you how to start a conversation. In so many cases we never learn how to start a conversation, and there’s an art to it. It’s funny. We learn so many things in our lives, how to drive a car, how to do math problems. We learn about science. We learn about Language Arts. But we never talk about how to start a conversation, and it’s one of the most important things that you need socially to be able to do.
In terms of starting a conversation, you always should be sure that you have things to talk about, and we all have things to talk about. You might think that you have nothing to talk about, but I can promise you you have plenty of things to talk about. Starting a conversation is all about asking a question to initiate the conversation. So you should always have things at your fingertips that you can ask anyone. Simple questions to ask anyone are, “How are you?” “How is your day going?” “How are things?” If you know the person, you can ask more specific questions. But after you make that initial introduction, have questions ready to ask someone.
And in terms of starting conversations, you also want to make sure that you have things to offer up in terms of your responses. So if someone were to ask you a question, “How’s your day going?” Rather than just saying “It’s fine,” or “Good,” move beyond the one-word responses. Have things to say and to share. Let’s face it. That’s what a conversation is all about. It’s about an exchange of information, communicating with one another.
So rather than my saying, “My day is going well,” I might say, “My day is going really well. I started out in Central Park with my dog on a nice long walk. And I went home, dropped my baby off, got myself ready for the office, and I’ve had a really terrific day at work. We did a shoot today.” So my whole example here is to show you that I’m giving more information, more information to let you know a little bit more about me. Those are the most important aspects to starting a conversation, and yes, keeping one going.
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You hear it all the time, communicating in marriage is the one single factor that can make a marriage strong or weak. You often hear people say that they “just don’t communicate anymore” the truth is in a lot of cases they never really did, at least not in a constructive way.
If you and your spouse have good communications skills right from the start, you will be able to avert many of the problems that plague a lot of marriages. People think that they communicate effectively, but rarely do, with their spouse and often even with other friends and family.
Communicating in marriage isn’t about talking all the time, it’s about listening too. That is the part most people fail at. You “pretend” to listen but in reality your mind is elsewhere. It’s easy to make excuses for that behavior saying things to yourself such as: “I don’t need to listen, she will just repeat it again in an hour” or “Here he goes again, covering the same old ground”.
The truth is that the reason your spouse repeats them self could well be a learned habit. You might have taught them very early on that you don’t really listen or pay attention to them when they talk. They may have developed the habit of repeating themselves just because they don’t think they are ever really being heard.
If that’s the case, it will take some time to reverse the trends, both them repeating themselves and you really learning to listen effectively. Having a counselor help the two of you form more effective methods of communication is a great idea too. Just re-learning some habits can make a world of difference, and with a counselor it’s far less likely that the two of you will get angry or defensive when you hear something less than flattering about yourself.
Another common problem is that one spouse is afraid to really tell the other how they feel. They may be afraid that their spouse will get angry or defensive, or they may be afraid that they will be mocked. Again, this is a pattern of behavior that has likely been in practice since the start of your marriage, but in the beginning the two of you were so in love that you chose to ignore it. Now, years later (and with some built up resentments) it’s harder to ignore.
This too will take some time to overcome and some practice to re-learn habits and patterns of behavior. You may want to get a counselor to help you with this problem too. Again, it’s a good idea to have a counselor point you both in the right direction and help keep the peace when necessary.
I know it sounds obvious, but most people don’t really think of it, but communicating in marriage starts with each individual in the marriage. If one or both of you has trouble really talking, or listening, than this is likely a lifelong problem and it will take some serious time and commitment to unlearn your bad habits and relearn better ones.
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We get so nervous about what to talk about that we can’t relax and let them see how great we are. Here is a bit of quick advice to help you relax.
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Romantic marriages are rooted in respect, and with couples maintaining respectful tones of voice when communicating. Take time when building a romantic marriage with tips from a psychologist in this free video on marriage counseling.
Expert: Reka Morvay
Contact: www.rekamorvay.com
Bio: Reka Morvay is a psychologist and doula with degrees from University of California, Berkeley and Cornell University. She also trained with the Hungarian Association of Cognitive and Behavior Therapy.
Filmmaker: Paul Volniansky